The Two Ronnies’ “Four Candles” or “Fork Handles” Sketch
Ronnie Barker(25 September 1929 — 3 October 2005)
Ronnie Corbett(born 4 December 1930)
Both comedians wore glasses, which became their “trademark”
Of all the sketches performed by The Two Ronnies, just about everyone’s favourite sketch is “The Hardware Shop”, commonly called “Four Candles” or “Fork Handles”.
The “Four Candles” sketch, originally titled “The Hardware Shop” or “Annie Finkhouse” is a sketch from the BBC comedy The Two Ronnies. Written by Ronnie Barker under the pseudonym of Gerald Wiley, it was first broadcast on Saturday, 4 September 1976 on BBC1. Word play and homophones exhibit Barker’s fascination with the English language and is cleverly used to powerful comic effect in this sketch. A shopkeeper, played by Ronnie Corbett, in a hardware shop becomes increasingly frustrated by a customer, played by Barker, because he continuously misunderstands what he is requesting.
A script for the sketch in Ronnie Barker’s handwriting was discovered in 2006 and was sold at auction for £48,500 in December 2007.
The sketch was inspired by a real incident in a hardware shop in Hayes Middlesex, details of which were submitted by the shop owners as possible sketch material.
In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.
It’s on YouTube ►
The Sketch
- Corbett
- (muttering) There you are. Mind how you go. (Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie).
- Barker
- Four Candles!
- Corbett
- Four Candles?
- Barker
- Four Candles. (Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
- Barker
- No, four candles!
- Corbett
- (confused) Well there you are, four candles!
- Barker
- No, fork ’andles! ’Andles for forks! (Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)
- Corbett
- (muttering) Fork handles. Thought you said “four candles!” (more clearly) Next?
- Barker
- Got any plugs?
- Corbett
- Plugs. What kind of plugs?
- Barker
- A rubber one, bathroom. (Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
- Corbett
- (pulling out two different sized plugs) What size?
- Barker
- Thirteen amp!
- Corbett
- (muttering) It’s electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs! (He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
- Barker
- Saw tips!
- Corbett
- Saw tips? (he doesn’t know what he means) What d’you want? Ointment, or something like that?
- Barker
- No, saw tips for covering saws.
- Corbett
- Oh, haven’t got any, haven’t got any. (he mutters) Comin’ in, but we haven’ got any. Next?
- Barker
- “O”s!
- Corbett
- “O”s?
- Barker
- “O”s. (He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
- Barker
- No, “O”s!
- Corbett
- “O”s! I thought you said “O!” (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said “O”s, I thought you said “O!” “O”s! (He places the hose onto the counter)
- Barker
- No, “O”s!
- Corbett
- (confused for a moment) O”s? Oh, you mean panty “o”s, panty “o”s! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
- Barker
- No, no, “O”s! “O”s for the gate. Mon repose! “O”s! Letter O’s!
- Corbett
- (finally realising) Letter O’s! (muttering) You had me going there! (He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O’s) How many d’you want?
- Barker
- Two.
- Corbett
- (leaves two letter O’s on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter) Yes, next?
- Barker
- Got any P’s?
- Corbett
- (fed up) For Gawd’ sake, why didn’ you bleedin’ tell me that while I was up there then? I’m up and down the shop already, it’s up and down the bleedin’ shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I’ve got all this shop, I ain’t got any help, it’s worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P’s) How many d’you want?
- Barker
- No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
- Corbett
- You’re ’avin’ me on, ain’t ya, yer ’avin’ me on?
- Barker
- I’m not! (Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
- Corbett
- (placing the tins on the counter) Next?
- Barker
- Got any pumps?
- Corbett
- (getting really fed up) ’And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
- Barker
- (surprised he has to ask) Foot pumps!
- Corbett
- (muttering, as he goes down the shop) Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in ’ere. (He puts the pump down on the counter)
- Barker
- No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
- Corbett
- (almost at breaking point) You are ’avin’ me on, you are definitely ’avin’ me on!
- Barker
- (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood) I’m not!
- Corbett
- You are ’avin’ me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
- Barker
- Washers!
- Corbett
- (really close to breaking point) What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
- Barker
- ’Alf inch washers!
- Corbett
- Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I’ve had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I’ll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What’s this? What’s that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of ’im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what ’e’s got on there! Look what ’e’s got on there!
- Jones
- (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it) Right! How many would ya like? One or two? (He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer.)
The request was for “bill-hooks”. The audience is intended to infer that the shopkeeper misread it as “bollocks” or “pillocks”.
Barker later rewrote the ending of the sketch, citing the reason as dissatisfaction with the obscurity and coarseness of the “bill-hooks” reference. He revealed in the last episode of The Two Ronnies Sketchbook in 2005 that, instead of another male shop assistant coming out and replacing Corbett, a large-bosomed lady would come out and say “Right then young man, what kind of knockers are you after?”
